Christmas is most certainly one of the most wonderful times of year. Snow; hot chocolate; presents -- even the ugliest colour combo EVER known: red and green, is tolerated throughout Christmas. Why? Because Christmas is tacky. Christmas is the time of year when people revel in tackiness. Those who aren't festively overlit with Christmas lights and fake plastic snowmen are mocked with all the joyfulness of the season.
Or, to put it in simpler terms: bombarded with snowballs.
This year, our only piece of Christmas-ery is an ugly, frightening snowman circa 1968. He's wearing plaid. And endorsing pipe-smoking. (Although, this has, for generations, I'm sure been overlooked. The truth pertaining to Frosty's true disappearance never truly been explained as it actually happened. Rest assured kids: smoking kills. Especially masses of cold, packed meltable snow.) But enough of the Christmas conspiracies: I have a crisis. This ugly snowman that adorns my door is tacky; in a celebrate a Walmart Discount Christmas kind of way.
We have no lights.
Nor, do we have tinsel, angels, stars and/or faux nativity scenes. Our old plastic nativity scene suffered the following fates: Mary became Barbie's pet doll. The baby Jesus was eaten by my dog. Brad needed the stable sheep for Operation Mistletoe with his G.I. Joe's and Constructs. Operative: Sheep Bait.
We have few candles. No wreaths. Not even snow. We have ice. As if the snow comes near our doorstep, is fooled into thinking there is no Christmas here, and makes an icy, slippery retreat back down the driveway.
And Santa? Nonono. At this rate, he'll be skipping over the house this year.
So how do I remedy this horrid situation?
Decorate.
Enter: Operation Tacky Christmas.
I'll be adding progress, and pictures when they become available, pertaining to the decoration of my house this holiday season. I don't have much time left, and I'm a little afraid to go into the Christmas stores. (They have a lot of frightening porcelain figurines, you see. Its less tacky... more... crowded. With festive Holiday Snobs. As in, "Here is some 100% Real Tinsel shipped in from Ethiopia, where it was fashioned by the dry, cracked hands of thousands of Ethiopians. Notice the authentic sprinkles? Yes. We stole them from Tinkerbell. Wrap this baby around your neck, and its straight on until morning! Priced at $300.00, its a steal.")
Even mention The Mighty Dollar Store, and you're out on your ass a la Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Its currently Tuesday, December the 4th, 2001. I have 21 days. I'll never make it, but I'm sure I'll make some fun snowmen along the way.
Update: 12.25.01 -- So, my excuse is, I kept meaning to get on top of this project. Not literally of course, as that would be difficult and probably cause back strain. Besides, Santa and I had this Christmas deal thing going, where I give him his weight in chocolate chip cookies and he gives me just about anything I want smaller then world peace. So, instead of the project promised, enjoy the myriad of Christmas-related stuff I'll be adding throughout the week. I realize its a little late, and I realize Christmas is just about over, but henceforth let this be the page that never realizes Christmas is over.
The mentally deficient page, that is. Because you can fool the insane, and I'm living proof. Or something.
